It is 9:07 pm where I am and I am exhausted. I have been watching a reality tv show to not think about anything. It’s odd because after hours of watching entertaining tv, I feel like I wasted my life. I have these feelings but I continue to watch. It feels like I have an addiction. I tell myself that once I am finished with the show, I will move on to more productive things but I am not sure that is true. It took me a while to realize that I watch obsessively to not allow myself to feel. That realization was shocking to me. I told my therapist that I was ready to feel and she contradicted me and told me that she didn’t think I was ready. That pissed me off but when I tried to sit in silence, a huge wave of anxiety set in. She was right and I was pissed. I get it though. I need to ride the wave and give myself grace.
I came on here wanting to write all of this out. I didn’t even write this on a word document first. I came straight to all of you. It’s really nice because I am able to tell you my feelings without worrying about what others will say. Not you, but others. The cool thing is that I am slowly moving into a space where I don’t care anymore about the critics. The critics were my family and some of my “friends” and because I have cut them from my life for being toxic, I feel free.
I hope you all have a wonderful night and thank you for making space for me to express myself to you. I don’t know all of you but I am thankful to be able to connect with you in this way.