I Am Going To Explode

I should be listening to what my manager is saying (I am in a meeting via Zoom) but instead, I am writing this post. I have so much that I need to let go of, and it needs to be put in writing or I am going to explode!

My grandpa died. My Pops, the person who was like my dad has passed away. It hasn’t been that long and I still don’t know how to grieve him. We didn’t have a good relationship the past few years. I realized that he was verbally abusive to me, and he was verbally and mentally abusive to my grandmother.  After going through therapy, I knew that I needed to distance myself from him and my family (they condoned his behavior and a few of them have toxic traits that I needed to get away from) or else I wasn’t going to survive.

Although the passing of my grandpa is recent, there were other factors that added to my depression of five years. I worked for Fathers and Families of San Joaquin in Stockton, CA and it was the most toxic work environment of my life. My, and other womxn’s lives were at risk and unfortunately, the Stockton community and local government ignored our pleas for help and decided to ignore the accusations against Samuel Nunez (founder of FFSJ). He is now in jail for raping his daughter. That monster has done so much more to others especially to womxn and he got away with it. I hope he rots in jail.

There is so much going on that I cannot possibly write everything in this post. I also don’t want to retraumatize myself.

Add a pandemic as the cherry on top and don’t I have all the ingredients that make a depressed 29-year-old trying to find her purpose in this life?

Of course, there is a lot more that I can complain about (and I have every right to do so) but the truth is that I am also healing and I finally see it. Although I can feel the symptoms of depression coming back, I am grateful that I am now in a safe place and a place I can start calling home. I don’t know that I feel like I truly belong yet, but I’ve only been here in New Mexico for eight months.

Holy moly. Eight months is a lot! It doesn’t feel like I’ve been here for that long.

Thank you for listening to my rant and honestly, I feel good about this. I am opening up to all of you more and I can tell from observing my body that I feel safe enough to share my story and my truth.

Thank you for being here with me!

Angelica Flores

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