I have been reading the Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand in the Sun and Be Your Own Person by Shonda Rhimes. I am inspired as hell. When I get inspired like this, I start making plans and writing down step by step what I plan to change about myself and how I plan to move forward in my life.
I make lists and plans and then I start dreaming.
I had to stop myself. Writing it all down and planning is how people get shit done but I have to be honest with myself, I feel like I haven’t been a doer in a long time. I talk about the plan, I dream the dream, and at the end of the day, I don’t do shit about it.
I also had to realize that I hadn’t been able to focus on my career because my mental health was so fucked up. If opportunities presented themselves to me, I didn’t see them. If I saw them and I would have said yes, I would have failed. Actually, I did fail. A lot.
Yes, I fear failing and it is the reason that I haven’t gotten far but I can’t keep beating myself for what I did not or could not do.
I was going through some serious life-threatening experiences. I was not stable, mentally, financially, etc.
I am finally on the other side. My nervous system is finally almost calm. At least it is not heightened. I still feel like I am on survival mode, but it doesn’t feel like I am going to die.
It is only in this month that I finally feel like this is MY life. Mine. There is no right or wrong in how I live MY life.
This morning, as I was thinking about what career move I want to make (pursue more journalism courses and relearn French), I stopped myself.
I just got a hold of the reigns of my life, and I know this life is short, and I need to make moves, but what if I just focus on healing? What if I decide to hold off pursuing what I’ve wanted careerwise to do some intense healing because this will be the first time in years that I don’t feel like I’m dying?
What if I focus on caring for myself? What if I focus on caring for my inner child, the one that the adults in my life didn’t protect?
Guess what, I am here now, and I have the ability to take care of baby Angelica, and toddler Angelica, and teen Angelica, and young adult Angelica.
I am here and I really feel that I can be the person that I’ve always needed.