I had a dream about my first love.
I loved him
With all of my heart
It started when I was a teenager
I saw him dancing
I was drawned to him
He looked at me too and I felt electricity all over my body
He came up to me and asked me if I wanted to dance
I said yes
It felt like I had known him for a long time
It felt like no one else was on the dance floor with us
Just me and him, staring into each other’s eyes
The poem is cute right? The truth is that he ended up being a narcissist and I had no idea. My attraction to him lasted for years, well into my mid twenties! It felt like I was under a spell.
I still lived my life though. I went to college, I graduated, I reached milestones, made money, travelled, lived in different cities, and went on dates with other people. He was always there in the background. That’s how I viewed us, whatever we were.
Except I had deep feelings for him and I didn’t even realize it!
It felt like I was seeing him in secret. I’m not sure who decided it was going to be like this, but that’s how it was. It wasn’t an official relationship but it was a relationship. We talked on the phone. We laughed a lot. We talked about deep things.
We were crazy about each other! We couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. His lips drove me insane lol I also drove him crazy. I could see it in his eyes and it gave me satisfaction to know I could make him feel like that.
Years passed by and it seemed like he got used to having his way. He wouldn’t respond to my text messages and phone calls and when he’d finally call, it was as if nothing happened. It was as if I hadn’t been trying to contact him. He wouldn’t even apologize.
He wouldn’t put effort in seeing me and I felt like I was begging. It was all wrong and I didn’t even see it. It wouldn’t feel right but because I also saw him as someone in my life that was in the background, the red flags didn’t jump out at me.
We rarely went out together. I didn’t want to be out in public with him. I don’t know what his thoughts were but he also didn’t bring it up. Thinking back, I’m also responsible. I haven’t gotten to the root of why I kept him away from my “real” life.
Thinking back, he probably had a girlfriend and didn’t tell me about it. It never occured to me. We made it to where we were each other’s back up. Thinking about it makes me cringe lol
This is really personal and this situation is embarrassing for me but I’m so happy that it’s over. He’s no longer in my life and I’m no longer feeling like I’m begging for his affection.
The only thing is that I dreamt about him last night and I wrote this poem about him. That’s a problem. I guess this will be a topic for my therapist and I to discuss.